two thousand sixteen

I have two resolutions this year.

Be more productive.
And take care of myself.

The first one is probably typical. I have a terrible tendency to put things off, leave things until I feel like I'm capable of taking them on - procrastinating. I wait until something absolutely needs to be completed in the next twelve hours and then race to finish what needs to be done. Not the best habit, if you don't already know. I got the most adorably designed planner for Christmas that, hopefully, will assist me here.

And then the second one. Taking care of myself. Because I was racking my brain for resolutions, things I wanted to accomplish and I was overwhelmed by all the things I wanted to do. All the things I wanted to be. Knowing how far I was from an elusive image of a supposedly better me. I can't force myself into something I'm not, something I'm not going to be. I've been trying to do it for years, trying to make myself adapt and cope and catch up with everyone, Loathing myself for the laundry list of accommodations I need, my thank you sounding more like I'm sorry. I can't do that to myself. This is the year I plan on slowing down, giving myself the time I need to grow and improve and accomplish and heal, before launching myself into anything else.

I'm turning eighteen this year. Yikes. Progressing towards adulthood makes me nervous, but I trust that I'll be prepared for it when I need to be.

2016. I'm here for this.  

accomplishments: a reverse bucket list

A photo posted by Rachel (@ineedadelorean) on May 28, 2015 at 3:55am PDT

I have...
+gone to Disney World
+been a bridesmaid in a wedding (my brother's wedding, no less)
+lived in a different country
+learned a new language (two, actually - spanish and french)
+gone to Sea World (the best place, 10/10 highly recommend)
+gone to or driven through at least 10 or so states in the US
+gone on a hayride
+seen Back to the Future in a movie theater
+flown in an airplane
+lived in a lake house with my family for a few weeks in the summer
+learned to dance
+had a photoshoot
+seen Niagara falls
+gone to the top of the Empire State Building
+made many great, trustworthy friends
+been baptized in church
+gone on a road trip
+successfully taken two college classes (straight A's >>>)
+watched an entire season of a TV show in less than a week
+volunteered at a recreation center
+gone to multiple concerts, both regular and acoustic
+overcome numerous fears
+learned to love myself

I don't realize how much I've done with my life until I talk to someone about it. Granted, most of the items above weren't recently completed; these are a result of life events that accumulated over the years. Looking at it, though, I've done a lot with my life. I've experienced a lot of growth and development in the last three years alone without even realizing it.

Sometimes I don't think we give ourselves enough credit. We're a society of accomplishments. We think we have to do this or that and build up a specific life resume to think we've done anything with our lives. But life isn't just doing something and checking it off a list. It is, more often than not, a long, confusing, complex period where small things build and become even bigger things. It's crucial that we take our time and be kind to ourselves. We all have different paths and different ways to take them.

(p.s: my oldest brother got married yesterday. I was a bridesmaid. It was one of the most joyous occasions of my life).

oh hey guys

I haven't posted her in a while. I keep intending to post, making up post ideas, but I never get around to it. I love this blog and my readers, I promise.

A few things have kept me from posting:

+College classes. All that homework. Fortunately, I only have a few more classes left before the semester comes to a close. I'm already in the mood for summer.

+My health. One day, I will feel just fine, even pretty fantastic. The next day? My body freaks out on me and I spend most of the day in bed or on the couch. The unpredictability of my issues is becoming really hard and frustrating to keep up with.

+My mood. As a result of the second reason, my mood has been a little low lately. Crappy mood = lack of motivation = lack of posting.

In general, I've been busy and life's been crazy. I have spring break right now, so I'll have a lot of down time to be able to plan/post things.

I'll be looking forward to making new posts!

i'm for you

A photo posted by Rachel (@ineedadelorean) on Mar 8, 2015 at 12:59pm PDT

Almost a year ago, I made a personal decision to not post or share anything negative on the Internet about other girls and women, whether they were close friends or complete strangers. Snarky comments about a celebrity? Not from me. Joke going around about twelve-year-old girls who wear a lot of makeup? I won't share it. Don't like a girl in my life? I won't post anything about it. I promised that I would not say something even remotely offensive about other girls on my Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr, whatever.

Now, I can't say I'm perfect at this, but I tried very hard to be consistent with this. And a few things happened.

First of all, I realized that there is an overwhelming amount of negativity aimed at girls and women, whether they're jokes or straight-up insults, and double the amount of that for any woman who isn't white, straight or able-bodied. I always knew that, but I became more sensitive to it when I tried to not participate in it. Second, not only do some people see no problem with this, but they also find it totally acceptable. I can't tell you how many times I've heard someone say something blatantly sexist and stood in complete silence while everyone else laughed. It's uncomfortable and, to be honest, degrading.

Third, the less I shared negativity towards other girls, the less critical I became of girls in general. It takes a lot for me to say something really bad about another girl, even in real life. When the negativity left, it was replaced with an abundance of positivity. Any opportunity I have to give a complement, I take it. If I think someone's selfie looks cute, I will let them know. If I liked their poetry or Instagram photo, I tell them. If I just feel like sharing a nice message with someone, I do it. I don't hold back anymore. Why should I? Why should I withhold love and positivity?

In honor of International Women's Day, I highly recommend doing this. Refrain from posting anything hurtful or negative about other girls and women, no matter how much you want to. Even for just a day. It changed my viewpoints and beliefs dramatically, and it might change yours, too.

Being a girl is hard. Let's build each other up and help each other out.

(this is the part where I make the disclaimer that I try to not say bad things about anyone in general online, but this specifically has to do with what I say of other girls.)

the almost-college life

A photo posted by Rachel (@ineedadelorean) on Jan 23, 2015 at 4:53am PST

I took my first college class last Friday. In spite of my first-day jitters, it went well; the people there are friendly, the cafe area is cozy, and the library, albeit on the smaller side, has an amazing selection of books. I'm not sure what I should have expected of community college, but it's hard to not feel nervous about something you've never done before.

I will admit, I have this weird thing where I love taking classes. When I was fifteen and taking Driver's Ed, everyone else thought it was boring, but I enjoyed it thoroughly. I had an amazing driving instructor and I found driving to be fun and not as terrifying as I thought it'd be. The three hours I spent in a second-story classroom twice a week were some of the most peaceful and enjoyable hours I had to look forward to. That calm, easy yet productive environment seems to apply to the classes I'm taking.

I should probably mention that I'm not actually in college yet. I'm still just a high school junior. I'm doing dual enrollment at a local community college for the spring semester. I'm taking college compositions and digital photography. I've only had one of each class so far, but I enjoyed both of them. Yesterday's blizzard and today's cancellations have helped with getting all the homework done.

Honestly, I'm excited about this. It's a new thing, a fresh start for me. Goodness knows I've needed one of those for a long time.