two thousand sixteen

I have two resolutions this year.

Be more productive.
And take care of myself.

The first one is probably typical. I have a terrible tendency to put things off, leave things until I feel like I'm capable of taking them on - procrastinating. I wait until something absolutely needs to be completed in the next twelve hours and then race to finish what needs to be done. Not the best habit, if you don't already know. I got the most adorably designed planner for Christmas that, hopefully, will assist me here.

And then the second one. Taking care of myself. Because I was racking my brain for resolutions, things I wanted to accomplish and I was overwhelmed by all the things I wanted to do. All the things I wanted to be. Knowing how far I was from an elusive image of a supposedly better me. I can't force myself into something I'm not, something I'm not going to be. I've been trying to do it for years, trying to make myself adapt and cope and catch up with everyone, Loathing myself for the laundry list of accommodations I need, my thank you sounding more like I'm sorry. I can't do that to myself. This is the year I plan on slowing down, giving myself the time I need to grow and improve and accomplish and heal, before launching myself into anything else.

I'm turning eighteen this year. Yikes. Progressing towards adulthood makes me nervous, but I trust that I'll be prepared for it when I need to be.

2016. I'm here for this.  

accomplishments: a reverse bucket list

A photo posted by Rachel (@ineedadelorean) on May 28, 2015 at 3:55am PDT

I have...
+gone to Disney World
+been a bridesmaid in a wedding (my brother's wedding, no less)
+lived in a different country
+learned a new language (two, actually - spanish and french)
+gone to Sea World (the best place, 10/10 highly recommend)
+gone to or driven through at least 10 or so states in the US
+gone on a hayride
+seen Back to the Future in a movie theater
+flown in an airplane
+lived in a lake house with my family for a few weeks in the summer
+learned to dance
+had a photoshoot
+seen Niagara falls
+gone to the top of the Empire State Building
+made many great, trustworthy friends
+been baptized in church
+gone on a road trip
+successfully taken two college classes (straight A's >>>)
+watched an entire season of a TV show in less than a week
+volunteered at a recreation center
+gone to multiple concerts, both regular and acoustic
+overcome numerous fears
+learned to love myself

I don't realize how much I've done with my life until I talk to someone about it. Granted, most of the items above weren't recently completed; these are a result of life events that accumulated over the years. Looking at it, though, I've done a lot with my life. I've experienced a lot of growth and development in the last three years alone without even realizing it.

Sometimes I don't think we give ourselves enough credit. We're a society of accomplishments. We think we have to do this or that and build up a specific life resume to think we've done anything with our lives. But life isn't just doing something and checking it off a list. It is, more often than not, a long, confusing, complex period where small things build and become even bigger things. It's crucial that we take our time and be kind to ourselves. We all have different paths and different ways to take them.

(p.s: my oldest brother got married yesterday. I was a bridesmaid. It was one of the most joyous occasions of my life).

point and shoot

Since January, I've been taking a college course on digital photography. Although the first couple of weeks got cancelled because of snowstorms that only occurred on Mondays, my class has been a grand experience nonetheless. I have a Canon T3i, but I didn't know much about using it. Things like aperture and ISO always scared me from using my camera's manual settings. This class had been a huge help in this area. Having an amazing teacher and friendly classmates helps, too.

These are a few outtakes from my final assignment. I was supposed to take twelve images of a discrete item, place or idea using the techniques we learned through our previous assignments, and a friend of mine suggested that I do my record player. I'm proud of my photoset, and even some of the pictures I didn't use are some of the most beautiful pictures I've taken.

I've always been the family's go-to person for family portraits and postcard-worthy views, but during this period in which I'm taking my class, photography has fascinated me. It amazed me that I could turn a couch corner into a mountainous terrain, my knuckles into hills, stacks of paper into valleys. It convinced me that God took parts of nature and intertwined them into a human being, that we're made of microscopic landscapes and galaxies. I understand how crazy that sounds, but it makes me so happy.

oh hey guys

I haven't posted her in a while. I keep intending to post, making up post ideas, but I never get around to it. I love this blog and my readers, I promise.

A few things have kept me from posting:

+College classes. All that homework. Fortunately, I only have a few more classes left before the semester comes to a close. I'm already in the mood for summer.

+My health. One day, I will feel just fine, even pretty fantastic. The next day? My body freaks out on me and I spend most of the day in bed or on the couch. The unpredictability of my issues is becoming really hard and frustrating to keep up with.

+My mood. As a result of the second reason, my mood has been a little low lately. Crappy mood = lack of motivation = lack of posting.

In general, I've been busy and life's been crazy. I have spring break right now, so I'll have a lot of down time to be able to plan/post things.

I'll be looking forward to making new posts!

i'm for you

A photo posted by Rachel (@ineedadelorean) on Mar 8, 2015 at 12:59pm PDT

Almost a year ago, I made a personal decision to not post or share anything negative on the Internet about other girls and women, whether they were close friends or complete strangers. Snarky comments about a celebrity? Not from me. Joke going around about twelve-year-old girls who wear a lot of makeup? I won't share it. Don't like a girl in my life? I won't post anything about it. I promised that I would not say something even remotely offensive about other girls on my Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr, whatever.

Now, I can't say I'm perfect at this, but I tried very hard to be consistent with this. And a few things happened.

First of all, I realized that there is an overwhelming amount of negativity aimed at girls and women, whether they're jokes or straight-up insults, and double the amount of that for any woman who isn't white, straight or able-bodied. I always knew that, but I became more sensitive to it when I tried to not participate in it. Second, not only do some people see no problem with this, but they also find it totally acceptable. I can't tell you how many times I've heard someone say something blatantly sexist and stood in complete silence while everyone else laughed. It's uncomfortable and, to be honest, degrading.

Third, the less I shared negativity towards other girls, the less critical I became of girls in general. It takes a lot for me to say something really bad about another girl, even in real life. When the negativity left, it was replaced with an abundance of positivity. Any opportunity I have to give a complement, I take it. If I think someone's selfie looks cute, I will let them know. If I liked their poetry or Instagram photo, I tell them. If I just feel like sharing a nice message with someone, I do it. I don't hold back anymore. Why should I? Why should I withhold love and positivity?

In honor of International Women's Day, I highly recommend doing this. Refrain from posting anything hurtful or negative about other girls and women, no matter how much you want to. Even for just a day. It changed my viewpoints and beliefs dramatically, and it might change yours, too.

Being a girl is hard. Let's build each other up and help each other out.

(this is the part where I make the disclaimer that I try to not say bad things about anyone in general online, but this specifically has to do with what I say of other girls.)

17 things I love

A photo posted by Rachel (@ineedadelorean) on Feb 14, 2015 at 6:38am PST

1. Having wonderful friends who give the best gifts and write the sweetest notes in my cards.
2. The stuff I got today, including freakishly long socks, a pink Polaroid camera, a ukulele, and lots of winter gear.
3. Pasta. I really love pasta.
4. Also, pancakes.
5. Vinyl records. It sounds so pretentious of me, but seriously, they sound beautiful,
6. Parents who pulled off a great birthday for me today.
7. Real Polaroid pictures. So much better than Instagram.
8. Ballet flats. I wear them 24/7.
9. Sweet potatoes. Mmmm.
10. Comfy flannels. Even if I only own one flannel shirt.
11. Siblings who share my enthusiasm in today's celebration.
12. Books. I love books.
13. Spotify. Stream every song ever created? Yes.
14. Thick, colorful scarves.
15. Notebooks. I own wayyyy too many notebooks.
16. Lara bars. Especially the peanut butter chocolate chip kind.
17. God. And all of the things and people he's put into my life.

I turned seventeen today. I spent it with great people and great food. Also, I can play a She & Him song on the ukulele now. Hallelujah.

on feminism

At the core, feminism simple consists of the radical notion that women are people, too. Feminism only means we champion the dignity, rights, responsibilities, and glories of woman as equal of importance - not greater than, but certainly not less than - to those of men, and we refuse discrimination against women.

-Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessey

I can’t tell you how often I’ve been told that feminists are “scary.”

I get it. Feminism is quite an aggressive word that bears the image of man-haters, bra-burners, activists and protesters, seemingly the harbingers of a future where women reign supreme. Feminists seem like a couple of crazy women who woke up on the wrong side of bed. That’s terrifying, right?

To be honest, it makes me wants to laugh, or scoff, or cry. I can never decide which.

Because you wanna know what else is scary?

Being harassed by middle-aged men during your shift. The constant fear of being attacked by a sketchy-looking stranger and, as a result, having to keep anything that doubles as a weapon (pepper sprays, keys, pocket knife) in your possession at all times. Ignoring serious health conditions because you’re told that you’re stressed, or exaggerating, or on your period. The fact that we’ve accepted violence against women as a totally normal thing that women must be prepared for at all times. If we were to go to other countries, you could get shot in the head for going to school or even abandoned at birth for simply being a girl. And as much as we’d like to think violence against women isn’t as close to home as we think, trust me, it is.

I’m not saying feminists can’t be scary. But if a few passionate activists are the scariest thing that has occurred in your life, you’ve got a pretty good life going for you.

Feminism isn’t about talking heads on CNN or topics on Jezebel. It’s about the lives of women, everywhere, in danger and distress. Feminists come off as angry because, just like every other woman, they’re sick and tired of the ridicule, discrimination, and injustice that they didn’t ask for. Do you think these women want to battle for their right to be taken seriously? Don’t you think that, every once in awhile, these women wish that they could go about their lives without having to think about all the ways they could fight off someone who could possibly attack them?

I’ll tell you what: I’m tired of making up synonyms and disclaimers about feminism so that people who reject feminism feel convenienced while the lives of an alarmingly great deal of women are jeopardized daily. If you don’t care that girls are subject to harm and trauma early on in their lives in seemingly normal settings like schools and workplaces, that’s your own choice.

In the kingdom of God, women are of great significance. Sarah, Ruth, Esther, Deborah, Mary, the woman at the well, Mary Magdalene - they took on roles that God did not view as less-than, but as important. The first people to know that Jesus was raised from the dead were women, and they were entrusted to spread the news that He was alive. These roles don’t overpower those of men, but they’re not overlooked either.

There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Jesus Christ. - Galatians 3:28

We can argue all day about feminism, about what’s right and what’s wrong according to the Bible. At the end of the day, women are still directly affected by the sexism that weaves through multiple cultures, sometimes so subtle it’s considered normal. These women need to be protected, need to be fought for, need to know that there is deliverance in God’s kingdom. They need to know that they’re not crazy or being dramatic. Their struggles and their fears are valid, and God cares about them. These women need God.

I don’t care how scary they seem; give these women grace. Give them love. Give them God.     

Obviously, feminism is a very broad subject that even this post can’t summarize. This means you’ll probably see other posts of mine on this subject. But this, this right here, it’s a start.